Elder Care

Fan Mail for 9 Realities from Lucretia

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Fan Mail from Lucretia

This fan mail comes from Lucretia’s Blog after reading 9 Realities of Caring for an Elderly Parent: A Love Story of a Different Kind and The Companion Playbook, released in June 2016.

Again, the two little words thank you seem paltry compared to the enormous meaning they hold for an author—this author—who is filled with such gratitude. Thank you Lucretia for taking your time to read and share with the world what 9 Realities has meant to you. Many, many THANKS!!—Stefania

Here is the direct link to Lucretia’s original review: http://lucretiasreflection.blogspot.com/2016/08/book-review-9-realities-of-caring-for.html

Lucretia’s Reflection

Friday, August 19, 2016

Book Review: “9 Realities of Caring for an Elderly Parent”

Way back in January 2014, the day after my mom went to the hospital for emergency heart surgery, I attended a talk given by a woman who had gone through pretty much what I was about to go through, and who had written a book about her experience. The book is “9 Realities of Caring for an Elderly Parent”, and the author, Stefania Shaffer, was touring to promote it, and was invited to speak at our university. I almost didn’t go, because I was afraid the hospital might call while I was at the talk; it turned out to be one of the best things I could have done. Not only was I inspired by what she had to say at a time when I really needed it, but I bought her book and read it while dealing with caring for my mother and grandmother.

During those two years when I was shuttling back and forth between home and my mom’s house (or the nursing center), I sometimes felt VERY much alone. Although my friends and family were verbally supportive, I had very little help with anything that actually needed doing, not because nobody wanted to help, but because most of the time no one else was in a position to. Unfortunately, this happens to many people who find themselves suddenly having to care for elderly parents alone, when other family members are either unable or unwilling to pitch in. “9 Realities” became part of my support group, because I was able to compare what she had to deal with against my own situation. I sent copies to a few friends to help them cope as well. When my mom died, I read the section on grieving more than once, to remind myself that I still wasn’t alone.

“The Companion Playbook” came out just this year, and I was privileged to receive one as a gift from Stefania. I sure wish I’d had it while my mother and grandmother were alive, I could really have used it as well! It not only has the really important points from the book reiterated in “nutshell” format, but it has charts and checklists for each point that can be used as written or adapted to your individual situation. The Playbook can serve as a stand-alone guide without the original book, if you really don’t have the time to read that as well.

Stefania’s book is an incredible story of love and forgiveness, and I highly recommend both it and its companion workbook to anyone who has aging parents, even if they are still active and in good health. You can order both books at Stefania’s website: https://stefaniashaffer.com/

Streamlining Your Rx Mess-Guest Blog #4

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Sorting the RX bottles in alphabetical order will make your inventorying much easier when it comes time for renewals later.

This is my Guest Blog appearing on Rita Morgan’s Blog-Not Just the Kitchen created for baby Boomer Women. Here is the link to the original Blog appearing on Not Just the Kitchen: Oct 16, 16 • Health & Beauty

How to Streamline Your Rx Mess

By: Stefania Shaffer

There are many compelling reasons that surround my move back home to live with my elderly mother—none the least of which is the near accidental overdose from the many Rx prescriptions whose labels she can no longer read.

4 questions to answer before getting a little help with sorting your Rx mess:

1. Does your eyesight still allow you to easily read the Rx labels so you know the proper dosage to take?

2. Can you hear well enough over the telephone to place renewals for your Rx? Keep in mind automated phone robots—not the pharmacist—usually take and confirm your orders.

3. Do you have an organized system for dispensing meds so there is no confusion over did I already take my pill, or did I forget to put it on the tray?

4. Do you have a way to keep track of when renewals are due? Or are you surprised when you find an empty bottle and no pills left for today’s dosage?

I am sick at the prospect of taking on this role by myself. But after the brother living nearby trains me, soon enough, it becomes part of my new weekly routine.

After studying his approach to counting, sorting, chopping and calling for the renewal of these pills, I feel confident that I can reorganize the grocery sack housing my mother’s entire health regiment.

3 steps to streamlining your Rx mess:

Step 1- Familiarize yourself with the pills.

1. Know your pills by name and the reasons why each is taken.

2. Know when and how the pill should be dispensed … with water, food, or on an empty stomach?

3. This should be obvious, but be sure your doctor knows all of the medication you are taking in case one pill has a reaction with another. It’s especially important to communicate if you have more than one doctor—or are meeting for the first time a physician who is new to you.

4. Prepare a pill chart and laminate it. Keep it in your wallet.
This will be essential information to provide at every doctor visit.

5. Recognize the grooves and sizes that distinguish all white pills from each other.
After the first time you drop your med tray (it happens!), spilling pills everywhere, you will know just how to put it all back together again.

Step 2- Streamline Rx Storage

1. A shoebox holding a dozen prescription bottles upright works for me.

2. Sorting the bottles in alphabetical order will make your inventorying much easier when it comes time for renewals later.

3. On top of the bottle cap, write the renewal date due in Sharpie pen.

4. Keep the blade for chopping pills inside this box as well.

5. The shoebox is for storing the bottles. The med tray is for holding the day’s dosages.

Different sized med tray dispensers range from one time a day for 7-days to multiple times of the day for 7 days. The latter is what I use—and here is why I love it. There are four vertical rows, with 7 cells across in each row. The first two rows are yellow. The two rows beneath are blue. Guess what? Since I do not need to dispense meds four times a day, I re-label the slats to give me two weeks worth of pre-planned pills. Now I can load the tray with A.M. and P.M. meds knowing that the yellow is for week 1 and the blue is for week 2. Time saver for sure!

Step 3- Remember Renewals

1. Do not put a nearly empty pill bottle away without red-flagging it. Forgetting that tonight’s dinner pill was never renewed can be further complicated when it requires a doctor’s approval which—this being Friday—you will not get until Monday.

2. Post renewal dates on top of standing bottles making it easier to note.

Now that you have taken stock of your Rx collection and sorted that mess from your grocery sack storage, you should be well on your way to managing your prescriptions with greater ease and care. With your new system in place, it will be a breeze if and when someone else needs to take over for you.

“What to Ask When Hiring a Caregiver?” will be my next blog posting here.

About the Author:
Stefania Shaffer, a teacher, speaker, and writer, is grateful her WWII parents raised her to do the right thing. Her second book, the Memoir 9 Realities of Caring for an Elderly Parent: A Love Story of a Different Kind has been called “imperative reading.” Funny and compassionate, this is the insider’s view of what to expect from your daunting role if you are the adult child coming home to care for your elderly parent until the very end.

The Companion Playbook is the accompanying workbook that provides the busy caregiver with the urgent “to-do list” to get started today.

Check out Stefania Shaffer’s Amazon books and reviews by clicking here.

www.StefaniaShaffer.com

Photo: Thirteen Of Clubs

Tags: prescription drugs

How to Streamline Your Rx Mess

The Paper Trail-Guest Blog for Not Just the Kitchen-#3

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Keeping Track of Your Paper Trail

It is your obligation to understand the paper trail before you begin shredding. I began piecing together fractions of clues to find money that was never listed.

This is my Guest Blog appearing on Rita Morgan’s Blog-Not Just the Kitchen created for baby Boomer Women. Here is the link to the original Blog appearing on Not Just the Kitchen:

How to Manage the Never Ending Paper Trail

Aug 29, 16 • Money & Finance

By: Stefania Shaffer

It hardly seems fair that as soon as we pay bills, review statements, manage family calendars and school cubbies for the month, all of this ironing out will inevitably become all bunched up again when next month’s paperwork requires the same attention.

When it’s our own personal finances, it is easier to put aside organizing—waiting until you have the time. This could be months down the road for busy people because let’s face it, who isn’t overextended these days?

But, when we find ourselves in the position to manage the finances and household bills for our elderly parents, this is one job that requires careful attention to detail because you will need to account to siblings, attorneys, and the IRS eventually.

Here is the approach I took to getting my mother’s financial house in order and managing the paper trail.

First, the visual of the mess I walked into. My father managed the finances for the duration of my parent’s fifty-four year marriage. My mother preferred to manage the home and these roles worked well—until he died. She upended any system he put into place and when I arrived on the scene it was mine to figure out from mountains of paperwork.

For the thirteen years after his death, she would open the mail, then re-stuff the statements into shoeboxes that would line bookshelves, bureau drawers, and stay tucked beneath beds when there was no more room on tabletops.

Can you see it? The scope of what these thirteen years of statements amounted to ended up taking me a few years to unravel.

Perhaps you are wondering what could be so important from that long ago that I would even need to bother taking the time to sleuth through it all.

I can tell you the moral of this story in one line—do not throw away any paper until you understand what it means to your parent’s financial picture. It will not matter that you will need to dig through 200 empty checkbook cartons because the first one you opened had $50 cash hidden inside. It will not matter that you have amassed eighty-five bankers boxes filled with decades of statements to sift through at your leisure while you work to make sense of the portfolio and uncover where any assets might be hidden.

Do your due diligence. You will sleep better at night knowing that you unearthed every account, every safe deposit box in town, every long term CD you stumble upon just because you are willing to do the job the right way.

The wrong way would be to hire a clean sweep crew who will charge you an attractive rate and send strangers in to cart away all the mess you don’t have time to deal with. They are counting on this. It’s how they make their living because they will find cash that is hidden in places you never looked.

Believe me, your obligation is to understand the paper trail before you beginning shredding. I toiled summer after summer when school was out to piece together fractions of clues to find money that was never listed on spreadsheets or statements.

Glad I did. We were running out of cash near the end and I was at the beginning of looking into a reverse mortgage to stay afloat for however long my mother’s decline would last. It was only then that I found the bulk of her wealth in the form of stock certificates from the 1940s that had never been registered. Imagine if I had just shredded these like everything else. They were in the eighty-fifth box of papers and did not look familiar to me. Thankfully, Charles Schwab knew just what they were.

Long-Term—understand old history

Stage 1: Sort Paperwork into Categories: Long-Term, Short-Term, Monthly

Every statement I uncover from every dark corner of my mother’s house that is not dated within the past 12 months, is filed as long-term—something I can peruse later when I have the time to gain some insight about accounts that are active, or have merged, or have been cancelled in the years since my father’s death.

I never recommend bankers boxes for permanent storage, (think, flooding!) but temporarily, they are an affordable way to clear clutter from the house.

Label carefully, this will save you oodles of time when you are searching later.

Bundle years for each new box: “Archive 1990-1995”, “Archive 1996-2000.”

Short-Term—monitor recent history

Every statement dated within the past 12 months is filed as short-term—these will be immediately transferred to your filing system once it is set up.

Label as current year: “Active 2016.”

I make an alarming discovery once I go through archives vs. active accounts—my mother’s home insurance has been forcibly terminated for failure to pay. Somehow it got missed and once this is the case, you are dead in the water.

You cannot return to the insurer who carried your policy for 35 years, and you cannot reinstate a home policy without a new roof inspection. It will not matter if your roof does not leak, as ours is still good, but there will likely be some work needed when it comes to old houses. So if you do not have the financial reserves, be careful to never find yourself in this predicament.

Monthly—alpha and chrono order for filing active accounts

I still work with paper. Online banking is great for quick pay, but I am more comfortable perusing month-to-month statements when I need information. I need a paper trail.

I buy a short filing cabinet and unload the entire contents of the “Active” box—all mail pertaining to the current year—and I sort paperwork into piles in alphabetical order using yellow sticky notes to post the alphabet along the hallway wall, filing each statement accordingly.

Assign a hanging folder by labeling a Post-it note with the company’s name found on the statement. Be sure to file most recent month on top, with subsequent months behind it.

A binder can also work when you have fewer accounts to manage, following this same alpha and chrono set up. It’s still a paper trail.

Discarding—be careful about what you throw into the garbage

I follow the sage advice to not throw anything into the garbage that has identifying information: your name, address, social security number, credit card numbers, telephone, birth date, checking account number, any financial statements, even credit card offers you consider to be junk mail.

Be prudent. When you are certain you understand what these papers mean to your parent’s wealth, shred or burn your important papers. For the kind of bulk paperwork my mother has, I choose a shredding service which has very affordable rates and will sometimes send a truck to your house. Many times, churches, or local community centers will offer neighborhood shred days. The best part is seeing your heavy load turned into confetti in seconds.

Daily Drop Spot—keeping the household organized

When paperwork arrives before I have the time to address it, I like to use a safe drop spot where I know it will still be waiting when I look for it. Mine is a basket with a lid. I reserve a “man drawer” in the kitchen for my husband. My students tell me their busy Moms create a cubby for backpack storage, plus a personal In/Out two-tiered box with a colored folder for each child so permission slips and homework are always in the same place.

Avoid the Financial Scavenger Hunt—

One thing that could have saved me immeasurable time was to have a list of where safe deposit boxes were held (and keys located) or CDs with their maturity dates. The more we can organize, the more of a gift it will be to those left behind.

Once you figure out what your needs are, it is so much simpler to find the system that will work best in managing the paper trail.

“How to Streamline Your Rx Collection” will be the next blog posting here.

About the Author:
Stefania Shaffer, a teacher, speaker, and writer, is grateful her WWII parents raised her to do the right thing. Her second book, the Memoir 9 Realities of Caring for an Elderly Parent: A Love Story of a Different Kind has been called “imperative reading”. Funny and compassionate, this is the insider’s view of what to expect from your daunting role if you are the adult child coming home to care for your elderly parent until the very end.

The Companion Playbook is the accompanying workbook that provides the busy caregiver with the urgent To-do list to get started today.

Amazon books and reviews

www.StefaniaShaffer.com

Photo: www.SeniorLiving.Org

This is my Guest Blog appearing on Rita Morgan’s Blog-Not Just the Kitchen created for Baby-Boomer Women.

Closets-Guest Blog for Not Just the Kitchen-#2

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The best way to sort a closet is to pull everything out at once. A Hefty sack can be used to stuff inside the clothes you no longer wish to keep.

This is my Guest Blog appearing on Rita Morgan’s Blog-Not Just the Kitchen created for baby Boomer Women. Here is the link to the original Blog appearing on Not Just the Kitchen:

How to Make Over Your Closet Jul 19, 16 • Family & Relationships, Home

By: Stefania Shaffer

Let’s face it. We are regular people who do not live the lives featured in glossy magazines. We aspire to be neater, but to achieve this optic we would need to subsist on six interchangeable outfits of monochromatic khaki and white. What about winter clothes? What about navy blue? How can we whittle away our wardrobes to better suit the life we lead?

After moving fourteen times over the past thirty years, I have uncovered my knack for the packing and unpacking process. In a system that has never failed me, here is how you too can filter out your own closet clutter—short of moving every three years.

This closet “call for order” has come by way of necessity since some of my moves involved tricky closet negotiation. An unforgiving space requires a “can-do” attitude. I once gave up a generous walk-in closet for a cute neighborhood with an “I Love Lucy” sized closet. The single shelf above a wooden rod that spanned the same narrow width as those 1950s refrigerators reminded me that everything back then was slim.

It was my greatest challenge. But I relished every moment of reimagining how I could make my wardrobe fit efficiently into this unrealistic space for a modern day woman.

Fortunately, by the time my Depression-era mother needed help managing her own home filled to the hilt, I was not at my wit’s end as I took in the mess of five overrun bedrooms and closets. I was in a state of creative delight, setting timers and working feverishly against the clock to clean sweep—ultimately giving her a home that she loved for its order and cleanliness.

Here is my tried-and-true go-to plan for any efficient closet makeover.

Step 1: Sort

The best way to sort a closet is to pull everything out at once. Set 4 zones to Keep, Toss, Dry Clean, and Donate. Set a timer, give yourself a two-hour window and have your sorting crates nearby. An old piece of luggage you want to donate, or a sizable box, or a Hefty sack can be used to stuff inside the clothes you no longer wish to keep.

Pile your contents onto the bed according to categories: all tops together, suits, pants, day dresses, fancy dresses, coats—all in separate mounds.

Do not be afraid of your disaster zone. I have seen this a thousand times before, and it does nothing short of inducing an adrenaline rush most athletes have to run five miles to achieve. I get mine without the sweat, or, sadly, the calorie burn.

Eliminate from your wardrobe threadbare or unnecessary multiples. Be selective. Do you need all of the black tops you have amassed? Keep only what you love and feel great wearing.

My 1950s closet meant that instead of being able to accommodate four pair of black boots (knee-high heeled, ankle-high heeled, knee-high flat, and cowboy style) I would need to make do with one all-purpose pair. I chose to save the knee-high heeled, which looked far better under trousers anyway than the short boots ever did.

Step 2: Set-Up

My favorite 4 closet essentials are always the same:

1. Beige suede hangers, the thin kind. This will help to create a uniform look, and maximize the hanging space you have; bulky wooden coat hangers that curve have no place in a lady’s closet. All crooks should face the wall uniformly when rehanging garments.

2. A good shoe organizer is key and the benefit of trial and error keeps me coming back to the same one: a vertical hanging style with twelve shoe-boxed sized compartments. Metal shoe racks on the floor, or hanging pockets over the door both end up hogging precious real estate or become buried beneath a sea of clothes, thus making your shoes inaccessible.

3. Storage boxes with lids. I always pick a couple of oversized hat boxes to contain clutter, or keepsake cards. Lids are key—you don’t want to see the mess. It disturbs the Zen of your new closet.

4. A double-hang rod is essential for keeping shirts and blazers above skirts and folded trousers below. If you are really Type A, you will correlate your wardrobe so like colors hang above like colors.

Step 3: Stage

Create a visual aesthetic. Hide clutter, loose bobbles, or love letters inside storage boxes. Wardrobe moves light to dark, ordered by sleeve length within palette. Top rung—hang blouses, jackets; bottom—skirts, pants, in corresponding hues.

Following the double-rod is room for dresses according to color (light to dark), style, sleeve length; special occasion dresses come next; then swing coats; then winter coats, if you don’t have a hall closet.

If you have bonus space, move a dresser inside the closet, opening up the bedroom floor. A nice touch: family and friends in frames of similar colors, varied in styles.

With all of your clothes hanging according to style, and color, you have a better idea of what to shop for next, and what to avoid doubling up on.

An efficient closet will save on packing time if ever you do plan a move in the future. Meanwhile, your 2-hour timer should be dinging just about now.

Managing the Paper Trail will be the next blog posting here.

This is my Guest Blog appearing on Rita Morgan’s Blog “Not Just the Kitchen” created for Baby-Boomer Women.

Here is the link to the original Blog appearing on Not Just the Kitchen

How to Make Over Your Closet

About the Author:
Stefania Shaffer, a teacher, speaker, and writer, is grateful her WWII parents raised her to do the right thing. Her second book, the Memoir 9 Realities of Caring for an Elderly Parent: A Love Story of a Different Kind has been called “imperative reading”. Funny and compassionate, this is the insider’s view of what to expect from your daunting role if you are the adult child coming home to care for your elderly parent until the very end.

The Companion Playbook is the accompanying workbook that provides the busy caregiver with the urgent To-do list to get started today.

Amazon books and reviews

Visit the author’s website: www.StefaniaShaffer.com

Photo: Derek Blackadder

Dear Readers, Thank You

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Dear Readers, How Do I Say Thank You?

There are still only two, teeny, tiny words that we use to convey even the biggest, most monolithic proportions of gratitude—thank you.

These simple syllables seem so mild in their meaning because of their overuse. Thank you for taking out the garbage. Thank you for picking up the dog doo. Thank you for not closing that door on me, Sir.

However, even for medium-sized appreciation, they are the best that we can do.

Oh, thank you! Your wedding gift is much too generous.

We are so glad you could stay with little Timmy—thank you, Granny!

But there is another expression of gratitude that exudes such heartfelt emotion sometimes no words are needed. When there are tears of joy, the do-gooder knows all there is to know.

“Thank you.” Alas, this generous pairing of words has flummoxed plenty of crafty writers who have searched their lexicon for the perfect substitution—to no avail.

So, I am left with creating a single note of appreciation with this lasting picture.

We meet on the street, you and I.

I’ve just read your wonderful review, the one where you gave “9 Realities of Caring for an Elderly Parent: A Love Story of a Different Kind” a knock-my-socks-off 5 stars!

I recognize you by your beautiful, intuitive soul and I rush to give you the heartiest handshake, and a big bear-like hug of a greeting.

I am suddenly overwhelmed with silent tears streaming out of my eyes while I simultaneously beam and smile broadly.

When I am finally assured I have conveyed my truest sentiment, I speak only the tiniest words available:

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart!—Stefania

Hoarders-Guest Blog for Not Just the Kitchen-#1

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How to Care for an Elderly Hoarder?

When I said yes to the job of caring for my elderly mother, I had no idea I was also saying yes to care for a house that had been equally badly neglected.

This is my Guest Blog appearing on Rita Morgan’s Blog-Not Just the Kitchen created for Baby-Boomer Women. Here is the link to the original Blog appearing on Not Just the Kitchen: http://www.notjustthekitchen.com/care-elderly-hoarder/

Jun 29, 16

By: Stefania Shaffer

Have you ever passed by one of those houses where the crooked garage doors are barely holding themselves together over the heaping bulge behind them?

Then one day, on your usual stroll of the neighborhood, those garage doors are popped wide open for the whole world to see. You shudder and gasp aloud. You don’t want to linger for too long because it is rude to stare, but you silently wonder how someone could live with floor-to-ceiling clutter that has been amassed for decades.

If you are only too familiar with this sight, let me offer you some reassurance that there is a path to purging. When I said yes to the job of caring for my elderly mother, I had no idea I was also saying yes to care for a house that had been equally badly neglected.

Driving up to my childhood home where my mother still lived nearly 35 years later, I see the lawn is no longer green, nor mowed. It resembles something out of the savannah that my father would have tackled in earnest at the first sighting of crabgrass—had he not passed away thirteen years earlier.

When my disheveled, eighty-five year old mother greets me at the door with her warm toothless smile and welcoming hug, I can tell there will be more moments like what Dorothy experienced in Oz when she said to her dog, “Toto, we’re not in Kansas anymore.”

Nothing is recognizable to me.

It’s not like we ever lived with white-glove standards growing up, but we were a tidy family if you didn’t count the mud and blood the brothers were always traipsing in.

But, on this day my childhood home is operating at the highest level of dysfunction. Of five bedrooms, four are being used as attic space where wardrobes from thirty years earlier are sprawled across the floor, mixed in with old blankets and petrified briquettes of cat doo-doo. All I can think to myself is who is going to oversee the gut job needed on this house? Tearfully, I am afraid I already know this answer.

The garage looks worse than what you might imagine.

Even more disconcerting is the pile-up of paperwork saved since my father’s death. My old bedroom is filled with envelopes containing statements stuffed into them, then packed into shoeboxes piled onto the bookshelf, or tucked into drawers, or peeking out from beneath beds.

Depression-era parents. Need I say more? Thank goodness my mother is willing to put her trust into what she calls my good judgment. “Health, Safety, Style” becomes our mantra for the care that will need to go into her—and her home.

Here are the ABCs to beginning any difficult task: Assess, Begin, Carry On.

Assess

Every frontiersman knew to survey the land. What is the kind of stuff piling up, memorabilia or junk? Who will miss it? I feel a sense of responsibility to the other siblings to preserve their trophies, yearbooks, and kinder artwork—theirs to ditch if they so desire.

Begin

Before you can salvage anything, you need a good staging area.

Step 1- De-clutter the garage first.

* Clear out discarded toys, bikes, and seldom used items
* Find the Salvation Army or Goodwill that will pick up
* Recycle nuts, bolts; shift furniture, find the floor, push a broom
* Get rid of rusted shovels and the plethora of old tools
* Clear off every shelf—discard paints and other chemical laden cans legally
* Shred-It will make a house call affordably, taking mere seconds to do what will take you months with your home machine that will jam frequently

Step 2- Create smart centers within your garage
* Laundry station-move an old bookshelf to store supplies
* Errand station—use labeled boxes (library donations, record store, Goodwill, Accountant, etc.) as a reminder of which errands to still run

* Paperwork station—tower plastic crates labeled for archived financial statements. Caution: never throw anything away until you understand what it means to your parent’s financial picture. I found wealth buried in the 85th box.

Step 3-Preserving childhood memories for siblings (3-piece set for each child)

1) 45-gallon crate 37’L 27”H to store small furnishings, trophies, plaques et al
2) Tri-fold board to stack on top of crate for holding Kinder art, or the like
3) Colored document pouch, zippered, 8.5” x 11” for important papers, flash drives, or special letters home saved by parents
Move an old dresser cluttering a bedroom to create new hub for sibling items

Carry On

Your job is not yet over. Paperwork sorting becomes my passion.

Step 4-Active vs. Archive File statements accordingly.

Active is for accounts paid in the past year. Scrutinize each to make sure your elderly parent is not experiencing financial abuse. File current month’s statement at front, older months behind.

Archive older statements from previous years. Keep these only for gleaning how money changed hands through investing or bank accounts.

Cluster 2-3 years of old statements into one lidded plastic crate the size of a bankers box.

Label front as “Archive 2012-2015” Repeat this until all of your bundles are in separate bins.

Once you get a handle on the Active, return to the Archives at your leisure to understand financial history.

Efficient closet makeovers will be the next blog posting here.

About the Author:
Stefania Shaffer, a teacher, speaker, and writer, is grateful her WWII parents raised her to do the right thing. Her second book, the Memoir 9 Realities of Caring for an Elderly Parent: A Love Story of a Different Kind has been called “imperative reading” Funny and compassionate, this is the insider’s view of what to expect from your daunting role if you are the adult child coming home to care for your elderly parent until the very end.

Do You Know Why Hildy Had a Good Death?

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How Did Hildy Get Her Good Death?

A good death is not far from a storybook ending. It’s a real term hospice nurses will share with you when you are fraught with worry over what is about to happen to your parent as the dying process begins. The way it was explained to me is that a good death occurs when the person has tied up all of his or her loose ends and can exit this world feeling—well, unencumbered.

This means relationships have been mended where needed. There is a sense of peace that finances are in order. Attics have been cleared, items of sentimental value have been designated and everyone is on the same page with your wishes to be carried out beyond your demise.

Hildy is my neighbor. Was my neighbor. She just died. She was the very first person I had over for tea when I moved into this neighborhood a few years ago, something we continued to do, and luckily for me, something we were able to do for the last time at her house two weeks before she passed away.

I am sad she is no longer here, but I am so impressed by how well she planned her exit. Her adult children are clearing out her house right now without any turmoil over who gets what because Hildy had it all spelled out.

We can all have a good death like Hildy by following these steps:

1) Put your financial and medical wishes in a trust, and will. Assign who will be in charge of your medical decisions if you become incapacitated.

2) Have a family conference laying out your plans for the house, property, burial, and where to place your precious little dog. Hildy had already arranged for her best friend to keep her pet.

3) Keep your list of active accounts to be paid and accountant’s contact information in an accessible file. Also keep the recent IRS filings in this same drawer.

4) Share the important information of where your bank accounts are held. Do you have CDs, or safe deposit boxes? What are the contents, where are the keys? Who has legal access?

5) Be sure your address book is updated and reach out to your far away friends to recall fond memories. Is there a current email for everyone?

6) Hildy no longer worked, but she had her pension details and contact information. She also had the Social Security phone number listed.

My favorite memories of Hildy are seeing her drive everywhere with her little dog, frequently stopping in the middle of the street to talk to me from her car while hastily waving horn-honkers to just go around.

She showed up for me at my book signing event downtown years ago, even after just getting the bad news from her doctor. She had a generous spirit. She had a quick wit. She thought I was going places and I loved her encouragement because I am motherless and she liked to mother.

Hildy did something right. From raising two children who obviously love her and each other, to making sure she would be getting the good death she planned so that she truly can rest in peace.

What are the Challenges of Caring for an Elderly Parent?

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Are you feeling alone and stressed in the challenges of caring for an elderly parent? KQED/Forum panel presents solutions.

Yes, it was stressful to care for my 85-year-old mother for the last years of her life, which turned out to be five good (and not-so-good) ones.

Yes, it was also joyful since, upon my arrival, she was still healthy, buoyant and alert—merely falling unpredictably. The fear of what a broken hip would mean to the care I was able to provide scared me, but I should have been more worried about the other cognitive disease beginning to show warning signs—onset dementia would be the way her story would end.

And in the end, it was my privilege to help her through the final stage of her life with dignity, LOVE, and peace between us. Storybook? Hardly.

Initially, what she needed was help around the house. What the house needed was a gut job. The job that awaited for me at this, my childhood home, left my jaw hanging open for the entire five years I spent searching for and sleuthing through eighty-five boxes of financial statements and records that I had collected from under beds and mail tucked into shoeboxes lining bookshelves.

Better to have done the hard labor here myself rather than hire it out from a clean sweep company because I found assets that a stranger would never have recognized.

Yes, managing the health of a senior, and their decades old home is stressful. But you will be grateful you did the work knowing you were able to provide the end of life quality your parent wanted. I was lucky in that my job was not beyond what I could learn—and through some deep breathing exercises—not beyond my stress levels. (I teach 7th grade for a living, so I have had many, many years to practice cool, calm, and collected under pressure!). What if you’re not so lucky?

The pleasure was all mine this week when I appeared on Michael Krasny’s Forum with two other guests providing views on how family caregivers can find support for themselves. These are two more resources I wish I had known about when I took on the role of caring for my elderly mother. For a LIVE listen of the show, here is the podcast KQED/Forum with Michael Krasny.

Here are the support numbers you need if you are feeling alone and stressed in the role of caregiving for a family member.

Family Caregiver Alliance was established to be of support to the relative who is providing the care. If you feel frustrated, tired, or you need a break for the weekend, their counselors and volunteers will come to your aid— Family Caregiver Alliance services.

I was so tired. It never occurred to me that caring for a plus-one exponentially compounds your busy-ness not by 2, but what feels more like 200! Let’s say all you need is someone to take Mom to another doctor appointment, the kind you might not be required to attend, but how will she get there without you because she doesn’t drive? Make this call to Family Caregiver Alliance.

Maybe all you need is someone to do meal prep, laundry, and clean the house while you lay sick in bed with the flu. Make this call. Their time is free to the family caregiver, graciously funded through a foundational grant.

If, indeed, you have the worst suspicions about the lack of care a senior is receiving in their own home because they are being subjected to cruelty, hostility by a family member who is not cut out for the role of “loving, patient caregiver” then there is another number to call. This one is for APS, not unlike CPS, this is for Adults who are being abused verbally, financially, sexually, or allowed to live in their filth and waste, or being denied their medications. This is not the time when you should hesitate.

We advocate for our children. We need to advocate for the care of our seniors as well— Adult Protective Services contact. Hopefully, you will never come across a reason to make this call. But, surprisingly, violence and abuse against elders mostly occurs from the family caregiver in charge of their well-being. Statistics are staggering. The job is daunting. If you have bitten off more than you can chew, or the health of a parent or loved one has declined beyond what is manageable, there is no shame in saying this role is bigger than me. Get support. Make the call.

Finally, there were two listeners whose stories still resonate with me.

Amanda, was trying to figure out how she could give the best care for her father who sustained a traumatic brain injury. She was hoping to keep him at home where he wanted to be, but the scope of all the care required was beyond her skill set. Family Caregiver Alliance can counsel her about options available in her area. She can continue guilt-free knowing she did everything she could—the best help she can provide now is changing to a professional care facility.

The last listener sent an email—a dramatic and very sad, yet common theme—read just as the show was wrapping up.

Charlie wrote that he cared for his mother even when his siblings were cruel to him and not present for her. He misses his mother very much and the loss of relationship with his siblings compounds his grief.

I so wanted to empathize with Charlie, but alas, the show was over. Charlie, please know you are not alone. Many families suffer the unraveling when death and money are at play—even families that do not have fractured dynamics to begin with.

Email me if I can be of any support. My condolences to you. Grief takes the time it takes to heal—and hospices nurses say it takes even longer for the one who was on the front lines in their caregiving role.

Do you know the realities in caring for an elderly parent?

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WOCM host Bulldog asks, “What are the 9 Realities in a nutshell?”

You’ve answered the call to come home and care for your elderly parent until the very end. These 9 Realities will answer your next question, “Now what?” In case you want to hear it LIVE, here is the link to my interview on the Bulldog Show.

Reality 1- The House is a Wreck, Inside and Out. Being there is most important for the adult child to assess the safety of the home, and the wellness of your parent.

Reality 2- Fiercely Independent but Can’t Cook, Drive, or Bathe. There is a lot a senior can do to put up pretenses that everything is fine. There are criteria for making sure your elder is not suffering from neglect.

Reality 3- Getting Your Physical Home and Your Financial House in Order. Purging vs. preserving memories, and how to set up a filing system for finances that are in desperate need of organizing. These are motivating pages that have readers squaring away their own homes today.

Reality 4- Managing Health–Both Medical and Financial– is a Second Full-Time Job. Knowing what medication your parent takes, along with dosages, is critical for every doctor appointment. How to create a prescription chart for doctors and ease of renewals is covered in this chapter.

Reality 5- When Your Home and Your Parent Begin Falling Apart, Get Prepared. Warning signs that your parent is at the beginning of the end can no longer be ignored. And such is life, when everything is going downhill, the decades old home is also in decline. Know where your assets are held. Expenses are coming.

Reality 6- A Birth Allows us Nine Months to Prepare; Death Has No Timeline; Act with Urgency in All You Do. A death march will take its toll on the caregiver. While you nervously watch your parent wrestle against an illness, this begins your gut-wrenching experience, as if everything leading up wasn’t hard enough.

Reality 7- The Critical Role Bowel Movements and Bed Sores Will Play in the End. Going home….it’s all she longed for. Straddling two worlds as patients get ready to cross over leaves them busily preparing before they feel ready to be un-entwined from this life. The secret of what she saw on the other side was never revealed. But I now know what death looks like in the final weeks, days, and hours.

Reality 8- A Preplanned Funeral Is a Gift to Your Family; Binders, and Lots of Them, Are an Executor Trustee’s Gift. The funeral playbook and how to establish a binder system for Communications, Estate Assets, and Legal Documents will make this your indispensable guide.

Reality 9- Do Everything You Can To Self-Sooth, but Include Grief Counseling; You Need It More Than You Think. Compartmentalizing grief seems the easier route. When the crying jag ends, we think we’re over the loss. This is not true for the frontline caregiver for whom it will take years to process the experience.

Media Appearances

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Did You Know that Many Adult Children Caring for an Elderly Parent Have Very Similar Stories to Tell? Listen in to what callers had to share.

San Francisco/KTVU-Bay Area People with Lisa Yokota KTVU podcast

San Francisco/KGO-The Ronn Owens Show

San Francisco/KQED-Forum with Michael Krasny KQED podcast

Seattle, WA/KISW-Conversations with Lizz Sommars podcast

Ocean City, MD/WOCM FM 98.1- Bulldog Show podcast

Abilene, TX/KXYL-FM 102.3- Going Home with Mark Cope

Omaha, NE/KMA 960- Dean and Don Show

Albuquerque, NM/KDAZ- Birga and Dan Show

Waterbury, CT/WATR- Larry Rifkin Talk of the Town

Burlington, IA/KBUR- Steve Hexom Morning Show

Milwaukee, WI/WBEV- The Idea Exchange with Brenda Murphy

Bristol County, VA/Tri-Cities, TN/WFHG- Barbara McFaddin Show